The Man, The Myth, The Legend
Ahhh, Bigfoot. The infamous ape man that has fascinated the world since a letter was sent into a paper in California in the late 1950s about eerily large footprints in the mountains.
This story is about one man who dedicated his life to finding Bigfoot, but when he eventually did he wished he could pretend it was still a myth.
The Mystery Of Ape Men
Everything Was Beautiful And Nothing Hurt
Bigfoot is not the only famous ape man around the world. Tales of the Abominable Snowman and Sasquatches or even Yetis are handed down from generation to generation in other parts of the world.
One man in Florida by the name of Dave Shealey was completely dedicated to the cause of finding Bigfoot. His career as a Bigfoot Hunter began when he found this next ominous clue.
Huge Footprints
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Dave’s fascination with the elusive ape man began when he first discovered footprints three times the size of his on his hand.
“From the moment I saw those prints, I knew my life was going to be dedicated to hunting him down and seeing his beauty with my own eyes” sighed Dave, staring longingly at the footprint. Unfortunately for Dave, this was no footprint, it was something far worse.
One Man And His Ape
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“One day myself and Big-F are going to meet and it’ll be glorious,” smiled Dave with loving eyes as he stroked his cast of Bigfoot’s footprint. This man was so obsessed with finding Bigfoot, he was borderline in love with the mythical ape.
Little did he realize but his obsession would turn to heartbreak for the Bigfoot enthusiast.
Secret Admirer
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Dave was very enthusiastic to share all the snaps he had gotten from afar of his hero. “I sat in the woods for over twenty-four hours to try and get this snap here,” he said without having blinked in over a minute.
“It was so worth it just to marvel at his glory,” sighed Dave romantically – as if he had just met Marilyn Monroe. Dave was soon to have his Bigfoot fantasy completely shattered.
The Obsession Continues To Grow
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“See here?” Dave points at a photo of what just looks like a forest. That’s all. “You can see him right there, he’s winking at me, the cheeky devil, that’s my Big-F”. Dave winks suggestively.
Was his obsession with Bigfoot more than just platonic? It certainly appeared that way but who are we to judge! Either way, the depth of his love would only make what he found out hurt even more.
Dedicated Superfan
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Superfans exist all over the world. Gaga has her little monsters, Taylor Swift has her Swifties and Justin Bieber has his Beliebers. Turns out, Dave has started the first-ever Bigfoot fan base that he has called… wait for it… the Footsies.
“We’re up on the world wide web we are, us Footsies. The other two members are like family to me. Especially since the wife left me…” he trailed off. Dave would soon be left feeling like a fool that his obsession was not at all worth losing his marriage to.
One Last Hunt
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Dave set out on yet another hunt to try to find his idol. “I know he’s out there somewhere and I’m going to find him and show the world his glory, just y’all wait!” he smiled.
Dave was certain this was the hunt that would change everything. Turns out it did. Just not at all in the way he had hoped.
Glimpsing His Beauty
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“I SEE HIM!! BIG-F IT’S ME DAVE, I LOVE YOU!” shrieked the grown man as he became visibly weak at the knees. Dave took off sprinting, camera under his arm. He managed to catch up with the huge humanoid ape and snapped the single best photo that has ever been captured of whatever it was.
Dave would regret the moment he ever snapped the now-iconic photo of “Bigfoot”.
Never Meet Your Heroes
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“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BIG-F AIN’T REAL?” howled Dave. “I mean precisely that, sir. This is the elusive skunk ape or stink ape. It gets the name from its horrific aroma. Thanks to you I can finally finish my doctorate on these disgusting creatures,” smiled Professor Henry, stink ape expert.
So it turns out the object of Dave’s desire and the cause of his marriage crumbling was not because of his handsome humanoid ape fantasy man, but a stink ape. “I’ve got a lot of soul searching to do” said Dave moodily. “This has been twenty years of my life, I need to process this”. So how did he process this shell-shocking news?
A New Obsession
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Dave came to terms with his hero not being quite all that and decided to accept him for who he was – a skunk ape. He accepted it so much that, along with Professor Henry, he opened the world’s first stink ape research facility.
“I’m currently doing my Ph.D. in stink ape studies with the Professor and life couldn’t be better!” beamed Dave. “Now who’s the loser ex-wife?!”