Have you ever wondered what $27 million dollars worth of Young Earth Creationist propaganda looks like?
Well, leave your science, reason, and critical thinking skills at the door, because we’re about to venture in to the Creationist Museum in beautiful Petersburg, Kentucky!
Watch the Bible come to life while your kids play with the dinosaurs at Eden River. Learn about fossils (and how they really formed), how the universe and world came to be, and how Darwin and his silly theory of evolution is completely wrong.
But be careful – the serpent coils cunningly around the Tree of Knowledge…
And so much more. Let’s go!
First, a quick refresher. The universe and everything in it, was apparently “created” in 6 days. Remember, God, despite his omnipotence, needed to take a day off to rest.
Yadda yadda yadda, Adam was created in God’s image, Eve from one of his ribs, they’re in the Garden of Eden… everything was just lovely with the animals. You may question, “How many animals did God make? How could it be possible to name all of them?” No worries! Adam would have only named 200 or so, which would take a few hours, at most.
What about the dinosaurs? We have many fossils proving they existed, but they’re not mentioned anywhere in the Bible… what gives? Ah, dear student, soon you will understand that biblical history is the key to understanding dinosaurs… I mean, it’s right there, on a big sign, spoken by a triceratops.
Fast forward a bit and the Original Sin is committed and – let me tell you – God is pissed! He’s like, “I give you free will, a beautiful garden, animals (including the dinosaurs) and you repay me with sin?” So God exacts His revenge on humanity and the Earth. It’s all downhill from there, folks. God introduces the scourge of the Earth. Yup, it’s weeds.
Ok, so God is fed up at this point. Weeds aren’t doing the trick so He decides that he’s pretty much going to start over. He’s going to cause a massive flood to wipe out the sinners and everything else with them. Doesn’t matter if they sinned or not – they’re guilty by association. Except for fish, of course.
But before the flood, God tells Noah to build an ark that’s big enough for two of every kind of animal. Since the flood will be 40 days and 40 nights, Noah will also need to take care of all the animals the whole time.
At this point, you may have some questions. How will all those animals fit? What about those pesky dinosaurs? How could Noah possibly take care of them all? First off, your questions are starting to get annoying. But if you must know, the Ark was “about” 12 buses long, 10 buses wide, and 4 buses high. So obviously, everything could fit.
Wait, even the dinosaurs could fit on the Ark? Again with the questions… Most dinosaurs were small, the size of a sheep or a pony. But even the big ones were small when they were young! So clearly, there’s plenty of room.
Ok. So is there any biblical evidence that dinosaurs lived after the flood? There sure is! The book of Job, written soon after Noah’s flood, describes a large animal (behemoth) that could have been a sauropod dinosaur (one of the big ones).
Back to the flood. The flood was mega-huge and caused most animals to perish. This is where fossils came from!
The flood – not that silly thing called evolution – also explains the diversity of life and how animals were spread out all around the Earth. Rafts. They floated around on rafts.
You see, the key is God’s Word. The present is not the key to the past. And, um…
… secular scientists say that the Grand Canyon was formed over millions of years. Millions! But the catastrophe at Mount St. Helens shows that similar features can form very quickly. Yes, yes, a volcano is much smaller than a massive canyon, but you get the point right. God’s word.
Secular scientists also say that things happened in the past. A long time ago. But since no one was there to see it, how could you really know? Look the room around you and focus on an object. Now close your eyes. Now open them. Is the object still there? It is? Great! You’ve proven that the object exists in the present. But how do you know for certain that it was there when you’re eyes were closed? You didn’t see it, so you don’t know. Now that, my friend, is logic. QED stylez.
Anyways, it’s not like there’s any evidence for anything in the past, and we already established that the flood, which happened in the past, created fossils. And no, that’s not a contradiction. God’s word.
Dating methods? Meh, dating methods don’t always give the same dates!
Alright, we’re all done with the Flood and the history. Let’s move on to the really interesting stuff – life! More specifically, beetles. They’re so shiny and pretty. Clearly, these could only have been designed by a Creator. There’s simply no other way to explain their beauty… Come on, think critically!
And by the way, antibiotic resistance is not “evolution in action”. It’s not like the bacteria are slowly building a resistance because people aren’t completing their suggested treatments, thus giving the opportunity for some of the bacteria to linger and eventually have a mutation that leads to a resistance. And it’s not like there’s any super-bugs out there today that were once easily destroyed by antibiotics but now are immune…
And while we’re talking about animals, we should clear up the whole “species” thing. You see, it’s much simpler to ignore speciation and the categorization of life and instead use simpler words like “kinds”. So if something looks like a cat, it’s a “cat kind”. Looks like a dog? Dog kind. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore, but you follow, right?
Bottom line? If you believe evolution is true, you’re pretty much a Nazi. Worse, you’re probably Hitler.
Now you know everything there is to know about the origin of life, geology, dinosaurs, and the flood. The story’s not done though. Remember that thing called “sin”? Turns out weeds and the flood didn’t quite work. Humanity is still full of dirty, dirty sin. But we have a choice – we can follow the Bible, literally, or we can go through the door of sin… Don’t forget your umbrella!
… and posters of videos where people are socializing.
Congratulations! You did it! You now understand the 7 C’s of Biblical History, because that’s apparently a thing. Really! Creation, Corruption, Catastrophe, Confusion, Christ, Cross, Consummation. Now go teach others the 7 C’s of history.
And that’s the Creationist Museum in a nutshell.
Now go pray for forgiveness for asking so many damn questions. On your way out, be sure to stop by the gift shop to pick up your very own plush or plastic animal kinds, and of course, your own Armor of God playset! Only $29.99.
No more questions will be taken at this time… unless, of course, if you’re interested in being a Young Earth Creationist and you’re willing to abandon rational thought and science, forever.
Images: Matt Stopera (Buzzfeed)
Things I Learned at the Creationist Museum (Buzzfeed)
A Journalist Visited the Creationist Museum. This Is What He ‘Learned’. (Liberal America)
The 32 Coolest Things You Can Buy At The Creationist Museum (Buzzfeed)