Growing up in the 1990’s, I looked forward to each episode of Saturday Night Live for one special moment: when they’d present Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey. To honor this legendary philosopher, allow me to present a few of Jack Handey’s deepest thoughts.

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“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”

 

“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind“. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind“. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.”

 

“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”

 

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “DisneyLand burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.”

 

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

 

“I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.“”

 

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!“”

 

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

 

“Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.”

 

“If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I’m a coward.”

 

“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

 

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”

 

“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

 

“Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”

 

“I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”

 

“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!”

 

“Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.”

 

“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”

 

“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”

 

“If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.”

 

“If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.”

 

“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”

 

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.“”

 

“Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.”

 

“As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!”

 

“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.”

 

“If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.”

 

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.”

 

“If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”

 

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

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Source: Saturday Night Live (Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey)

  • J3:16

    I miss SNL, and like the good SNL with Chris Farley. I’m not a huge fan of today’s cast.